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| THIS SITE IS JUST FOR JOKES AND HUMOROUS STORIES HOPE YOU ENJOY! "The Photographer" The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr..Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you, " Mrs.. Smith cut in. "Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs.. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know !!", Mrs.. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his babybpictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!!", Mrs.. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs.. Smith the picture. "She was difficult?", asked Mrs.. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" , asked Mrs.. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs.. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?". "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??", Mrs.. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted !!" Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions? A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q: What's the definition of macho? A: A guy who laughs at Blonde jokes and thinks they acutally care. Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive? A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog. Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo? A: You fill it with gas. Q: What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packer's have in common? A: Neither of them can stop a Bronco. Q: What is forty feet long and has eight teeth? A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God? A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer. And some I made up myself: Q. If the sky isn't really blue, what is the color of water in the ocean? A. I don't know. Q. What is the major difference between Monica and the President? A. They both lied but she got rich because of it. Q. "Mama, who is the Unknown Soldier?" A. Blonde's answer: "Your father." Q. What is blue and white and red all over? A. The Sunday newspaper. Q. Who is the star of Hee Haw? A. The jackass. Q. What is the difference between intelligent and smart? A. Intelligence is learned, smart is what you were born with! A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. To do sign language, the man on the 3rd floor points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What is wrong with you, dumba..? I said I need handsaw!!" The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming." |
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