Masturbation Techniques - Comedy & Humor - http://www.woodrecords.com/masturbation

MASTURBATION (MAS-ter-BAY-shun) is one of the delights of human existence. Unfortunately, in modern society, masturbation is not always thought of or mentioned in positive terms, and sometimes it's difficult for people to get good information about masturbation and how to get the most out of it.

For males, masturbation is the act of manually stimulating the penis to produce pleasure. (If you've ever walked in on someone and saw him rubbing himself down there, or if he suddenly covered himself up, or if he was in bed alone and acted like you interrupted him, he may have been masturbating.) For adults and older teens, masturbation usually ends with ejaculation (ee-JACK-you-LAY-shun), in which the liquid that contains sperm cells, semen (SEE-min), is ejected from the penis. Ejaculation is usually accompanied by orgasm (OR-gaz-im), a whole-body feeling that (for most people) is so powerful and pleasurable it cannot be compared to any other feeling the human body can experience.

Common Slang Terms For Masturbation

jacking off, jerking off, whacking off, beating off, spanking the monkey.

For Ejaculation

coming, shooting your wad, spooging.

For Semen

cum, jizz, spooge.

FEMALE MASTURBATION
For females, masturbation consists of rubbing the genital region and/or stimulating the clitoris, which is a small organ a lot like a tiny penis. Like men, women can experience orgasm as a result of masturbation or intercourse.

WHY MASTURBATE?
If you've masturbated before, you know the answer to this question! In addition to feeling so good, masturbating relieves sexual tension that builds up naturally over time. Just about every male in his teens or older gets "horny," in which his mind gets preoccupied by erotic (sexy) thoughts. This is a natural process: Your sex organs produce and accumulate semen, and your body responds by causing you to want to ejaculate the semen to make room for more. One way this happens is through a nocturnal emission or "wet-dream" -- an ejaculation during sleep. Another way is through masturbation, where you stimulate the penis to fool it into "thinking" you're having intercourse.

It's important to note that despite what you may have heard (either through rumors from friends or from older people), masturbation is completely safe -- you will not get anyone pregnant by masturbating, and you cannot catch any diseases. It does not affect the size of your penis or your ability to get an erection or have children later on. Instead, it's a great way to practice for intercourse when you're ready for it and have met the right person.

HOW OLD DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO MASTURBATE?
If you can read this, you're old enough to masturbate! You may, though, be too young to ejaculate. Most boys begin to ejaculate semen when they're between the ages of 12 and 15, although some begin ejaculating at a later or earlier age. You can still masturbate and even have orgasms before you're old enough to ejaculate. However, for most males, the best-feeling orgasms are those that are accompanied by the ejaculation of a good amount of semen. In fact, some guys like to "save it up" by not masturbating for a while, so they can have an extra-good orgasm with a bigger than average ejaculation.

IS THERE ANYTHING PHYSICALLY WRONG WITH MASTURBATION?
Nothing at all. Years ago it was commonly believed that masturbation caused blindness, insanity, hairy palms (!), or other disorders -- even though back then, like now, masturbation was extremely common. All of these terrible beliefs have been disproved through modern science, even though the rumors and old wives' tales persist. (If those stories were true, there would be an awful lot of blind, insane, hairy-palmed people running around!) Masturbation is not "sick," it is not only for gay people, it is not harmful in any way, and -- of course -- it's a whole lot of fun.

ARE YOU A "LOSER" IF YOU MASTURBATE?
Absolutely, positively not! You've probably heard somebody call someone else a "jerk-off" as an insult, or heard someone imply that he doesn't need to masturbate because he gets "real" sex. That's all a bunch of B.S.! Trust us -- in almost every case like this, the person who's throwing around such insults actually does masturbate, feels guilty about it, and then uses his insults to make others feel guilty about masturbating. It's a horrible vicious circle that keeps everyone feeling guilty about this wonderful thing our bodies can do. The cycle can stop only when you realize that almost everyone masturbates -- even grown men who get all the "real" sex they want. When you can say that you masturbate and you're proud of it (even if you only say it to yourself), you realize the real losers are the people who lie to themselves and to others in order to make everyone unhappy. JackinWorld hopes someday this behavior goes away altogether and never comes back!

CAN YOU MASTURBATE TOO MUCH?
For the first few years after they discover masturbation, almost all guys masturbate more often than they ever will in their lives. It's not uncommon for a 13- or 14-year-old to masturbate 3, 4, or even 5 or 6 times per day. (We even heard from a fellow who once managed to orgasm 22 times during a 24-hour period!) It's not surprising, then, that some guys worry they may be doing it too much. It is possible that time spent masturbating could be put to more productive use -- but if you would have spent it just watching TV or something, don't worry about it. Just enjoy it and know that in a couple of years, you'll probably throttle back on your masturbatory habits somewhat.

HOW MUCH IS "NORMAL"?
There is no "normal" frequency of masturbation. You cannot "run out" of sperm (any more than you can "run out" of spit), so you can masturbate as often as you like. The worst thing that can happen is your penis might get a little sore. (Rub any part of your body that much and the same thing will happen!) In any group of healthy high-school- or college-age guys, some masturbate several times a day, some once a day, and some only once or twice a week or less. There are also a few who never masturbate -- either because they don't have the urge, or because for whatever reason they don't think masturbation is healthy and have managed to resist the urge. But for a young male to be able to resist masturbating requires very strong will power. (We at JackinWorld just don't see the point.)

IS MY PENIS BIG ENOUGH?
This is an extremely common worry among teenagers. But rest assured you can have a great time masturbating (and having two-person sex) with just about any size of penis. Now, you might worry about how you "measure up" to other guys. You may get insecure in the locker room, especially if you see a lot of older boys with larger genitals. Or maybe you've happened across an erotic video showing a guy who got the job because of his exaggerated anatomy. But it's important to know that while the sizes of non-erect penises vary greatly, for the vast majority of the population, the sizes of erect penises don't vary quite as much. A larger penis that flops around and a smaller, stubby penis may be virtually the same size when they're erect -- so don't stress out about it so much.
What's average? Well, most grown men have erect penises that measure about 5 or 6 inches from the base (where the pubic hair is) to the tip. If you're in your early teens, you almost certainly have some growing left to do, and some people have reported that their penis continued to grow until they were 17 or 18 -- but for most guys, it pretty much reaches adult size by about age 16. We'll talk about some techniques and how they relate to penis size in a moment.

HOW DOES A GUY MASTURBATE?
Many males discover masturbation by accident, when one day they're rubbing their penis and it feels so good they don't stop until they have an orgasm. But there are finer points to masturbation, and there are many ways to make it more enjoyable.
There will be times when you feel a strong need to masturbate when it isn't convenient. In this case you may want to ejaculate as quickly as possible, perhaps in the bathroom. That's fine -- but you should know masturbation, like two-person sex, is much more pleasurable when you can relax and take your time. If you have your own bedroom and can close the door, you can have a great masturbation session every night and perhaps every morning, too. If you share your room, you can masturbate privately in the bathroom or shower. Or, you can wait for your brother to fall asleep and masturbate quietly under your covers. But if he hears you, be prepared to answer some questions!

Some guys masturbate by lying on their stomach and rubbing their penis against their bed. A more common technique involves lying on your back and rubbing your penis with a hand (or hands). In this position, when you ejaculate, the semen will end up onto your chest or stomach, so it will be easy to clean up. (You'll probably want to pull up or take off your pajama top or T-shirt, so as not to get semen on it, and you'll want to have a roll of toilet paper or a box of Kleenex handy.)

Just about every successful masturbation session begins with getting an erection (ee-RECK-shun), commonly called a "hard-on," "boner," or "woody." An erection occurs when your penis fills with blood to the point that it becomes quite a bit larger and firm to the touch, usually sticking straight out from your body or angled upward as you stand. (If you're lying on your back, your erect penis might rest against your abdomen.) Getting an erection is usually as easy as thinking sexy thoughts and rubbing your penis. If you're going through puberty, or if you haven't ejaculated in a while, you may not have to do anything to get an erection!

Once your penis has reached its full length and hardness, take a hold of it and rub it lengthwise at a consistent rate. This will mimic what it feels like to move your penis in and out of a woman's vagina, which is what happens during sexual intercourse. It will also allow you to concentrate on the good feelings masturbation produces, so you can refine your technique for maximum pleasure.

Check out our pages for techniques and more on masturbation.

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Page Updated Mon Nov 22, 1999 12:47pm EST