|
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||
| Episode 22 "Shades and Chaos In The 22nd Delusion!!!" Note: We're using full names in this one, since there's a helluva lot more characters and there were just too many letters to keep track of. I'm lazy. Bite me. Sorry if I got some Nostradamus stuff wrong. And this is set before the third episode in Muffy-time. This episode is also about 5 times as long so be prepared for a great time! -Sincerely the SCI (Brad and Ally stand before us, wearing party hats and covered in confetti.) Brad: As you may have guessed from the title, this is our 22nd episode! Ally: Television aficionados knows that means one thing?season finale! Brad: That's right! SCI is celebrating the more or less successful end of its first season. Hopefully the first of many. Ally: As you might also see, we're taking the celebrating part literally. (looks over shoulder) Aw crap. Brad: MICHELLE!!! DROP THE MATCHES NOW!!! Ally: Too late. This is the problem with the Muffy co-operative efforts. (pauses) I just gave away a huge chunk of the plot, didn't I? Brad: I told you we should have spent the extra fifteen bucks and rented the Legion Hall instead of Agrium's chemical storage facility. Ally: Hey, they were leasing it out for half off. (Brad ignores her, grabs a fire extinguisher and runs off, leaving the other writer to deal with the audience by herself.) Ally: (looks at camera nervously) Ahem. Uh, err?I hate public speaking?(an explosion rocks the building) Uh oh. Well, to put it in a nutshell?it'll make you laugh. It'll make you cry. It'll make you eat massive amounts of crackers for no apparent reason. We promise it'll be the most gripping, shocking, laughing-your-ass-off hilarious, edge-of- your seat episode yet! Or at least a damn good effort. On with the show!!! (She disappears to combat the flames too. Our last shot is of six or seven people frantically beating at a fierce blaze.) *** (SCI HQ. Chaos is totally absorbed in a large, thick, ancient-looking book. Shades and Boots are concentrating fiercely on a huge game of boxes that takes up an entire page.) Boots: You know, we've been playing this for three hours. Shades: Are you forfeiting? Boots: Hell no! Make a move, girly-man! Shades: You are so going down. Boots: Says you. Shades: Boots, I have never seen you win a single game of anything. Remember when Chaos and I had to come pick you up from the precinct because you got arrested for indecent exposure? Boots: Hey, that was a tough game of strip poker. Shades: You were playing against three senile homeless guys and a dog. Boots: You're missing the point. Chaos: (peevishly) Could the two of you keep it down? Nostradamus has been right for the past six years! Boots: Nostrawho? Isn't he a little hunchbacked dude? Chaos: (leans back wearing the "lecture mode" look. Shades and Boots cringe.) Nostradamus was a sixteenth-century quasi-heretical prophet whose books were burned by the Church because they feared his gift. He accurately predicted Hitler, calling him 'Hister', and a good many of his other prophecies have come true. Only a few volumes of his quatrains have survived. And yet there were always legends of 'lost books'. Shades: Let me guess. You're holding one of the lost books now. Chaos: It's amazing what you can find on E-bay. Anyhow, there's this fascinating section right here that sounds kind of familiar. It's the 22nd quatrain of the 22nd page of the 22nd chapter. "As the balance between the treacherous gates of history and the shadowed chaos of chance is disrupted, a doorway through the planes will be opened. The confusion is now twofold. Beware the demons." Shades: This prophet of yours?was he on crack, perchance? Chaos: Maybe. The previous quatrain was about the Budweiser frogs, but I don't think it relates. *** (Suddenly, all over the planet, in several dimensions, every single frog freezes and begins hopping uncontrollably. After a few minutes they stop and go on doing whatever it is frogs do. Simultaneously, every can of beer in southwest Austria explodes. The fact is marked down by Ripley's Believe It Or Not and subsequently forgotten because Dean Cain had a fight with Arnold Schwartzenegger.) *** (In another dimension, another place, time, world?anyhow, you get the point. We are in a small library in a town called Sunnydale. [Yes, *that* Sunnydale] A woman sits at a small table in the back, surrounded by large, thick books. She removes her glasses and cleans them absently, staring at an indecipherable scrawl covering a page.) Gillian: That's it. I'm not editing Muffy's history essays again until she learns to use a computer. (Abruptly, a cold wind gusts through the library. Gillian shivers involuntarily. One after the other, the lights in the library explode with a nerve-wracking electrical spitting. Dogs howl across the city and a small earthquake rocks the building. As quickly as the incidents had occurred, everything goes back to normal, except for the busted lights. The library is PITCH BLACK. *cough*claudiablackrules*cough*) Gillian: Something's wrong. (The British janitor is suddenly bathed in an eerie blue light cast from the window. She rushes over to look, and her eyes widen in surprise. Outside in the alley is a large swirling blue vortex?kind of like the one from Sliders.) *** CUE OMINOUS MUSIC *** (Later that night, in the alley. Gillian is there along with two others- Muffy and Tanner. The latter is staring slack-jawed at the vortex. Muffy looks somewhat bored, while Gillian seems stressed. The vortex still howls, ruffling the humans' hair and sending paper and debris scattering.) Gillian: Alright, I think I've figured this out. The- wait, where's Ember? (Muffy shrugs) Oh well. I believe the vortex is actually a wormhole. That is, a wrinkle in space, or even time. Not only that, but I took some readings and I think this particular one is in fact a transdimensional wormhole. A tear in reality itself! It could come out anywhere. Muffy: Cut to the crunchy center, Gillian. How do we kill it? Gillian: Muffy, it's a rip in the very fabric of the space-time continuum. Muffy: So? Gillian: So it's not alive. You can't 'kill' it. Muffy: Oh. (a beat) So how do we kill it, then? Gillian: We CAN'T kill it! That's the entire bloody point! Muffy: If we can't kill it, why did you call me?!? I have things I could be doing, you know. Important things. Really important things. I can't think of any right now but I know I've got things to do. Tanner: Do I get any lines? Gillian: Maybe later. Look, the wormhole *could* be related somehow to the Hellgate. Muffy: How? Gillian: I'm still working on that. (Ember comes running up.) Ember: Sorry I'm late! Did I miss anythiiiaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! (She trips over her shoelaces and goes flying into the wormhole, pulling Tanner in with her. Tanner, in turn, knocks Muffy backwards into the vortex. A few moments pass.) Gillian: (sighs) Oh, the hell with it. (jumps in) (Shortly after the Watcher disappears a form steps out of the shadows. Manya sidles over to the wormhole and chews her lip thoughtfully.) Manya: A wormhole?well, it can't be any more boring than Sunnydale. (she leaps in too.) (A few minutes pass. A small feline form scurries down the alley, followed by a larger bipedal one. Polo stops and begins searching the dumpsters.) Polo: Here, kitty, kitty, kitty?I can't believe I'm reduced to drinking cat blood?heeeeeere, kitty?stupid furball?HERE, KITTY!!! (The cat darts out from behind a sack of garbage and leaps into the wormhole. Polo watches in amazement as the wormhole irises shut with a disturbingly satisfied-sounding whoosh.) Polo: Now there's something you don't see every day. Well, back to stalking winos. *** (In Los Angeles. Shades and Chaos are driving down a busy street in the Jag. They're pushing ninety but this is LA so no one cares.) Chaos: Fine, don't believe me. But when Gates tries to take over the world again, Nostradamus and I will be laughing. Shades: Gates *always* tries to take over the world, Chaos. It doesn't take a freaking prophet to predict that. Chaos: Yeah, well?okay, give me a few minutes and I'll think of a better argument. Shades: You do that. (They near an empty alley. Without warning, an azure flash accompanied by a loud whooshing noise causes Shades to brake hard.) Chaos: Whoa! Swirly blue thing at three o'clock! Shades: (studies hand) Nope, five fingers. I wasn't slipped any LSD's. How 'bout you? Chaos: I'm sober. (They walk over to the wormhole just as Ember, Tanner, Muffy and Gillian come flying out. Even though Ember went through first, somehow everyone lands on Gillian. None of the Sunnydaleians (Sunnydaleites? Sunnydalese?) notice the SCI agents.) Tanner: Thanks, Gillian. We could have gotten hurt or something. Gillian: Blistering idiots?(blinks) Now where did that come from? (They see Shades and Chaos for the first time. The latter each have a gun trained on the strangers.) Chaos: We should just shoot you on general principles. Shades: (glares at Chaos) And what principles would those be? Chaos: Mine. Shades: She'll do it, too. She's crazy. Ember: No sh-(BLEEP)-t, Sherlock. Muffy: Watch your mouth! Shades: Or, you get in the car and we don't fill you with lead. Tanner: Sounds like a plan! (In the car, driving back to SCI HQ. Chaos has a gun pointed casually at the four squished in the back.) Shades: Please keep all hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times. Or you die. Muffy: Have you ever considered a career with United Air? (Mere nanoseconds after the Jag is out of sight, Manya and a scruffy cat tumble out of the vortex. She walks over to a large sign pointing to the Hard Rock Café Los Angeles. The cat follows her.) Manya: It's strange?I have this eerie feeling I'm in Los Angeles! (She picks up the cat) Do you know, Fluffy?(the cat hisses) um, Midnight (the cat growls) Well, you pick a name! (The cat yowls a long string of syllables. Manya gives the cat a funny look, then shrugs) Manya: Have it your way, Skank. I have this urge?it's like I'm being pulled?somewhere?(the cat snarls) Fine, I'll stop talking like Shatner. But something in this city is calling to me! *** (Far away at the Microsoft Supreme Overlord Compound. Bill Gates is sitting on one of those swiveling office chairs, amusing himself by spinning around faster and faster. His head jerks up abruptly as he loses balance and crashes into a desk.) Gates: Smithers! (A small rodent-like man comes into the room.) Smithers: Yes, Master? Gates: There's been a disturbance in the Dark Side. Something nearly as evil as I am has appeared in the city of Los Angeles. (Gates goes back to spinning on the chair. There is a long pause. Smithers realises Gates has finished.) Smithers: Um, sir? What do you want me to do about it? Gates: You're still here? Bring it to me, fool! *** (Los Angeles. Manya and Skank are walking down the street. Little does Manya know that she is headed directly for the Microsoft Compound. Suddenly an ATM machine on the corner opens up and the demon and cat are swallowed.) *** (Back at the Compound. Manya is dragged kicking and screaming by two large goons into Gates' Throne Room.) Gates: Thank you. Guido, Nunzio, leave us. (The door slams shut behind the two bruisers. Manya snaps her head around to glare at Gates and their eyes lock.) Gates: Who are you? Manya: Who are you? Gates: No, who are *you*? Manya: *No*, who are *you*? Gates: I asked first! Manya: Oh yeah? Feel my wrath, mortal! (She raises her hands. Nothing happens.) Oh damn. I should never have switched back to dial-up demonic powers. Gates: Ha! Wimp! Manya: I'll show you 'wimp', chicken-arms! (She leaps on him. They wrestle angrily for a while then Manya pins him to the floor and they lock eyes. Tense music plays.) Gates: My God, you're sexy. Manya: Take me now! (They kiss passionately. It's more than a little creepy. Thankfully Guido bursts in.) Guido: Uh, boss? Smithers sez da X-Boxes is explodin' in a random-type fashion. Gates: (very embarrassed) Yes, yes, I'll see to it. (to Manya) Excuse me, my dear. Later. Manya: (purring) I'll be waiting. *** (SCI HQ. After Muffy & co. explained their situation, they joined forces with Shady Chaos. Right now Gillian and Tanner [whose most useful skill is his mastery of the alphabet {j/k}] are poring over a series of Nostradamus books. The others make bored small talk.) Shades: (whispering to Chaos) Have you noticed something weird about these guys? Chaos: What, you mean other than the fact that they look a helluva lot like us? Shades: Actually, that's what I was about to bring up. Chaos: (shrugs) I find it easier just not to think too much about things like that. Ponder conflicting facts too long and your head explodes. Shades: It's kind of like time travelling- too confusing to be worth the trouble. Chaos: Exactly. I don't think Boots even noticed. (Boots is sitting by Ember, both are chatting freely.) Shades: Must be because she talks to herself all the time. Gillian: Oh, bloody hell. We've figured it out. All: What? Tanner: To make a long story short, an asteroid is going to crash into the Earth in six days unless we assemble a team of miners to plant nukes on it to divert its path. Muffy: Come again? Gillian: (smacks Tanner upside the head) Ignore him. It's something about the union of two evil beings that will bring about the Apocalypse. One of them is from our world, but we don't know who it is. Muffy: Hmm?an evil being from Sunnydale. Yeah, like that's new. (pauses) Ember, why did you just mutter "oops"? Ember: Sorry. I forgot to tell you Manya followed us through the wormhole. Tanner: How the heck do you know that? Ember: It must be my latent psychic abilities mentioned early on that for some reason I never use. Gillian: Good grief! It all makes sense now. The evil beings are Bill Gates and Manya. If we allow their, ah, union, the world will be destroyed! Tanner: What? Muffy: Sex, Tanner. If they screw around, we're screwed up. Tanner: Ah. Shades: Gillian, how did you figure all that out after looking at the prophecies for less than ten minutes? Gillian: Are you going to argue plotholes, or are you going to help halt Armageddon? *** We return to the Microsoft Compound where once again we find Bill Gates and Mayna are once again in and evil, disgusting, dreadful?lip lock of a sort. When suddenly president George Bush walks in? George: Billy! What in god's name are you doing! Gates: I'm sorry Georgie but I'm leaving you! George: Again oh goddamn! Why must you treat me like this! Suddenly George pulls out a revolver and sticks it to his temple Gates: Georgie you can't do that it's not that bad! I mean comon you and Elton John had that night in Paris remember? Mayna: Ummm excuse me but (In a voice not far from the estimate of the devils) IM STILL HERE! Bill just let him pull the trigger not like he won't show up in the next episode anyways! Gates: Yeah okay go ahead Georgie. George: Awww there's no point now (walks off sulking) Mayna: Now where were we? *** Meanwhile in Sunnydale? Polo: Mirror, Mirror on the wall who's the fattest of them all? (As you may have expected Polo is hovering over a local bar trying to pick an evening snack. He is about to attack a plumb middle-aged man when suddenly a flash of lightning stops him in his tracks. In fact it hit him dead on. For a minute or so time is suspended when suddenly another flash appears. Now Polo is once again skyrocketing towards the ground but this time he is out of control and headed straight towards a red jaguar not unlike the one?THUMP!) Shades: Son of a? Muffy: POLO?!? Polo: Alive and in the flesh?ehem dead flesh m-lady. Muffy: What the hell are you doing here?and if you ever call me m-lady again I'll rip off your head and shove it were the sun don't shine (Winks at Polo but no one notices) Polo: Yes but would you be able to catch me and?(interrupted) Shades: Ya, Ya you two stop flirting and lets get on the road. Muffy: What you call the flirting?that's the way we always talk! Chaos: Sure thing there and my uncles George Washington. Boots & Ember: Wholly crap her Uncles George Washington! Gillian: Hey Boots, Ember gullible is written on that sign over there! Go check! Boots: Really where?! Lets go Ember! Tanner: Morons! Muffy: Hey Tanner look it's Rob Blake! Tanner: Really where! Jumps out of car and runs around in circles. Chaos: Floor it Shades! Shades: I hear that! (Pushes the accelerator to the floor) *** Polo: So anyway what are we on an adventure for this time? Gillian: Well apparently Bill Gates and Mayna are going to take over the world. Polo: Bill whom? Shades: Evil Bad person, runs a giant corporation set to take over the world. Polo: Does he have blood? Chaos: Probably? Polo: I'm in! *** Tanners search for Rob Blake continues? Tanner: Where the hell is he! (Out of no where a man hurtles into Tanner) Tanner: AHHH WHAT THE! Turner: Oh sorry bought that I was running from an angry mob they seem to think I stole a Tom Jones Album?But I didn't?are you accusing me? Hey! Hey! Bring it punk?!?! Tanner: Wait a minute do I know you! Tyler: don't think so? Tanner: Oh my god you're me and I'm you! Tyler: Nice try buddy?hey here's 25 cents go buy yourself some more beer. Tanner: I'm serious look at our reflections in this puddle so conveniently located to the right of us! Tyler: Wholly trapeze acts WE DO! Tanner: Something's or someone's up to no good and I think it's up to us to find out! Tyler: We could call ourselves T'N"T! Tanner: That's the smartest thing I've heard all day. Come on lets hail a cab. Tyler: In the middle of a freeway? Tanner: Yeah what's your point? Tyler: Yeah I see no harm in it! *** Meanwhile the Gang of Shades, Chaos, Gillian, Polo, and Muffy are making there way towards an evil looking laboratory? Polo: I do say?WHY THE HELL ARE WE HERE! Shades: Take it easy polo take it easy we just thought that she could help us with getting into Gates Microsoft compound. Gillian: She may be able to help us she's helped us out in the past! Chaos: Who is she? Wait a minute I know who she is I think the writer mixed us up! Gillian: Oh OK well lets start over? Chaos: She may be able to help us she's helped us out in the past! Gillian: Well who is she? Polo: Her name is?wait a minute this is Shades line! Writer, will you please wake up and smell the bloody coffee! (Sorry) Shades: Her name is Miss Shell?Mrs. Doctor Miss Shell! Muffy: Say that five times fast what a freaking weird name. Shades: Well you might not say that when you see her you may say she's like a "sister" to you. Muffy: Ha right my only sister was eaten by a gigantic rezondousrtktibzzxwdudewheresmycar monster?or was that my only brother?I can't remember. Polo: Well shall we head in? Shades: Good idea old chap?DAMNIT Come on I don't have a British accent! (Oh yeah sorry [guzzles down 7th cup of coffee]) The 5 head towards the lab and knock on the door. Shell: Come in MWAHAHA! Muffy: You don't scare me! Muffy bursts through the door and takes one look at Shell who is the exact replica of Muffy and runs off screaming. Polo: And then their were four?(thinking) four would make a fabulous gourmet meal but I should probably wait till that Chaos leaves because I think she's a little unstable. Chaos: I heard that! Polo: AH! (Runs off as well) next page http://www.maxpages.com/sci1finale2 |
 Sign Guestbook |
 View Guestbook |
 shady_chaos@hotmail.com |
|
. |
| Visitors: 00377 |