|
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||
| Episode 25 "Air Time" "Today on Maury Povich, Young teenagers who are real, real bad! So bad in fact we're sending em straight to Boot camp!" Chaos: Oh hell not this one again… Shades: No this is a new one just…same plot line exactly… Chaos: What plot line? Shades: Point taken…(turns back to watch T.V) Maury: OK now Billy why do you do these kinds of things to you mother? Billy: Because she's the devil Maury! Maury: Now Billy you know that's…(Billy shoots pepper spray into Maury's eyes) AHHH you little brat I'm going to kick your ass! Where's my agent! Damn it! (Suddenly Maury disintegrates into a cloud of dust) Shades & Chaos: …AWESOME! TV announcer: Maury Povich will be replaced with Oprah…but it seems like her and all the other talk show hosts have…disappeared too…by god what will we do! Suddenly a red phone rings in the SCI headquarters not unlike the one from the original Batman series. Shades answers and it is the President of CBS. He gets off the phone an moments later ABC, Fox, and even the CBC phones. Shades: Well it seems like they want us to do something about this "crisis". Chaos: He maybe we can be on TV! Shades: Now Chaos, remember what happened the last time that you were on TV? Chaos: How the hell was I supposed to know the guy was 92 when I slugged him! Come on he had a mask on! Shades: Uh Chaos that was his real face… Chaos: Well someone could have warned me! Shades: We did… Chaos: OK just SHUTUP! Shades: I think I just might! Chaos: Fine! Shades: Fine! Boots: Fine! Oh sorry tense moments bother me… Shades: Well anyway what are we going to do? Chaos: My minds a blank… Boots: I got an idea. Shades: Ha, Ha I'm sure you do! Chaos: Wouldn't we like to know Ha Ha (Shades & Chaos high five) Boots: No guys seriously… Shades: Ha! Boots and Serious not be contained in the same sentence! Chaos: Yeah and she's real…uhhh…Damn! Shades: OK we're done what's your "plan"? Boots: First of all we gather all the people and non-people we know and get them to star in their own talk show for a while. Shades: Ah yes we could do that but I got a better idea! First of all we gather all the people and non-people we know and get them to star in their own talk show for a while! Boots: But that's what I just sai… Shades (interrupting): Dibs on Letterman! Chaos: Dibs on…uhh…DAMN! Boots (sighs) Shades: Well OK sounds good but whom will we round up obviously we don't have enough people to fill them all. Boots: Yes that's true but eight talk shows has to be more than enough right? Chaos: Yeah that's probably alright… *** Shavaun Hendrickson: Eight talk shows are you CRAZY! Do you know how much time and effort we'll have to put into them! Tyler Turner: Now, now Shavaun how hard could it be a little gag here and a corny joke there how hard could it be I mean really? Shavaun: You'll have to wear make-up! Tyler: Is that, supposed to…scare me? Shavaun: Oh I guess not considering the fact your half girl and what not… Tyler: HEY THAT'S FORMER GIRL! Shavaun: Oh my bad… Chaos: OK people, listen up we've established the six talk shows that we will be taking over. The are Oprah, David Letterman, Jay Leno, Maury, Rosie, Jenny Jones, Regis and whoever his co-host is show, and Jerry Springer. Tyler: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry… Shades: Yeah, yeah Tyler we have heard that one a "couple of times." Well here's who will star in what we randomly drew them out of a hat. David Letterman goes to…oh me what a…surprise… Ron Slavanka (now referred to as Rat Bastard or Rat Ron): Fixed! Shades: Shut up dead boy! Rat Ron: I'm not dead, I'm just spiritually unbalanced! Shades: Well anyays…Oprah will go to (to self) Oh this will be interesting (to rest) Boots… Boots: Goody! Shades: Riiiiighhhttt…carrying on Rosie O'Donnell will be filled in by Chaos. Chaos: Uhh haha Rosie's real…DAMN! Shades: The Jay Leno show will be taken over by Rat bastard because he has the biggest chin! Rat Ron: Do not and stop calling me that Shades: No problem Rat Bastard…moving on Maury Povich will be replaced by Kungfukan… Kungfukan: Can I hit people with chairs even though I'm not on Jerry? Chaos: I don't see why not! Shades: Regis and whoever he has for a co-host show will be taken over by Tyler Turner and Shavaun Hendrickson. Shavaun: NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… (Time elapsed 10 minutes) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…oh al right… Shades: Jenny Jones will be taken over by Jamie Lee Stewart and well we still ain't got no one for Jerry Springer… Jamie: What about Shell? Shades: She blew herself up last week she's in a full body cast. Jamie: Oh…what about Vicki? Shades: Chaos hacked her up again yesterday she'll be back in a few episodes or so. Chaos: Damn Springer will probably be missed the most. Shades: Yeah crude beer swigging, cousin shagging, and trailer park junkies who sleep with their sheep I don't know what America will do without Springer. Well we got to think of something…but who…who could possibly take over? Voice: Me! Shades: Hell no! Voice: You know you can't resist! Chaos: You heard the man he said no! Voice: Don't take The Berry Crinkle show from television it will destroy the world! Boots: Uh mister voice sir it's the Jerry Springer show and if I didn't know better I'd say you were Gates trying to take over the world with a diabolical scheme to brainwash America! Voice: Wrong, Wrong, Wrong! You did get the Gates part right but you see I'm going to take over the World not America, and I'm going to use telepathic mind control not brainwashing dumb ass! Chaos: Ha, Ha Boots you're so dumb! Shades: Ha, ha dumber than a trash can ha, ha! Boots looks in disbelief at Shades and Chaos Boots: I guess your right maybe I should just keep my mouth shut… Shavaun: Damn right! *** We come upon Tyler Turner and Shavaun Hendrickson behind the scenes of The Regis and Kelly show. Shavaun: What the Hell! Tyler: What's all the commotion? Shavaun: look at this guest list! Tyler: What about it? Shavaun: Joe Sakic, Peter Foresburg, Rob Blake, Ray Bourque…wait a minute! You invited the whole Colorado Avalanche onto our show! Tyler: Your Point? Shavaun: The only people who watch this show our old ladies and people that are to fat to get out of their houses! Tyler: Yes well with this line up we will get more viewers! Shavaun: No you see its Colorado…they'll drop the ratings. Tyler: Ha! That's what you think! They're amazing! Their goalie can even talk to his goal posts! Shavaun: Oh my god the ratings will go through the roof… (That was a sarcastic tone if you haven't noticed) Tyler: Yeah well who do you want on the show? Shavaun: oh good point…how about the Backstreet boys hahaha Tyler: You're a genius! The Backstreet Boys or should I say the Backstreet Hunks! Shavaun: What did you say? Tyler: Nothing, Nothing at all (a little tear forms in his eye) Shavaun: Turner are you gay! Tyler: What do you mean? Shavaun: A homosexual… Tyler: what? Shavaun: A guy who likes other guys. Tyler: You mean people can do things like that! Shavaun: Yes you didn't know that? Tyler: No but thanks for telling me! (A twinkle forms in his eye) Joe Sakic here I come! (Shavaun look what you did you Turned Turner gay come on rewind the tape) Shavaun (completely oblivious to what happened before): What did you say? Tyler: Nothing… Shavaun: Good we got a show to do! (That was close) *** Announcer: and now filling in for David Letterman…Tony Samson! (Audience looks blankly at Shades) Shades: Well good evening folks I'm your host Tony Samson we got a great show tonight Keanu Reeves is here, Bob Barker is here, as well as the band…the band…(runs off stage) Shades: We don't have a band! Technician: Oh yeah…forgot those guys told us it was Letterman or no show. Shades: Damn can we get a replacement? Technician: We can round up a couple of street bums…but that's about all. Shades: okay that'll have to do. (Runs back) Shades: OK everyone now here is tonight's top ten list…Top Ten Reasons why Survivor Two was better than Survivor One. 10. There was no old cynical bastard (hence Rudy) 9. No one told anyone that if you were in a desert I won't give you a glass of water. 8. No one talked to a coconut phone 7. The Kangaroos 6. Tina won 5. Elisabeth 4. Elisabeth 3. Elisabeth 2. Elisabeth 1. No Richard! Shades: And now Keanu Reeves! Reeves: Hey…It's nice…to…Be HeRe. Shades: Why are you talking like that? Reeves: This…is HoW I…alwAys…TaLk! Shades: You sound retarded. (Audience laughs) Reeves: (Looks around for a second) I…know…Kung Fu! (Keanu Reeves jumps out of his chair and does a quadruple kick right through a wall) Shades: Ouch! (Audience howls with laughter) No honestly that wasn't a set up! (More laugher) Shades: Screw this cut to the band (Walks off. Two street bums walk on with beer bottles and start hitting them together surprisingly it sounds a lot like "stomp") *** Kungfukan: Today on the show The Crocodile Hunter is here to show us some animals. Hunter (Brings out a kangaroo): Well mate this here is what we in Australia call a blimy Kangaroo. Kungfukan: Can it box? Hunter: What? Kungfukan: Can it box? Hunter: Bloody hell of course it can… Kungfukan: you don't have a clue what I'm talking about do you? Hunter: No… (Suddenly Kungfukan glares towards the kangaroo, the kangaroo glares back. The crowd starts chanting fight a bell rings out of no where and the two start pacing around the stage. Kungfukan charges towards the kangaroo and they start to fight. A ball of smoke and dust evolves around them and suddenly Kungfukan flies across the stage after being planted by the feet of the kangaroo). Hunter: Bloody, blimy, mate that blimy Kangaroo just bloody whalloped that bloke across the blimy world! *** Announcer: And now here's Rosie! Oh ehem Chaos! Chaos: Hello I'm Chaos and I'll be filling in for Rosie for the next while. Today's guests are…I can't read that what's that say…now down more…Larry Meinfield? Oh Jerry Seinfield, Seinfred and Roy and Dentists Mild…uhhh Destiny's Child. Now to a commercial break. (The Commercial begins and Chaos looks at the koosh ball slingshot) Chaos: What am I supposed to do with this? Technician: Try to hit the boxes above prizes come out. Chaos: OK this shouldn't be to hard. (Takes slingshot and fires into crowd) Voice: Damn my eye my eye! (She Tries again) Voice: ahhhhhhhh! (Another shot) Voice: My God! (5 minutes later the entire crowd is on the ground moaning in pain) Chaos (dropping Koosh slingshot): My bad…(runs off) *** We join Shades and Chaos as they are looking over the exhausted talk show hosts. Shades: Okay people seems like we kind of screwed up with the whole talk show thing. Chaos: Yes, yes, you see we had a incident we the kangaroo. Keanu Reeves was broken in half from crashing into a wall, and then he miracliously regenerated. The Colorado Avalanche beat the hell out of Tyler for asking if they were homosexuals. Jenny Jones was taken over by hookers who have reportedly taken Stewart hostage. Ron died again, and well Boots hasn't even showed up for Oprah… (scene cuts to Boots who is in some revolving doors but can't seem to find the way out) Chaos: So that leaves us with one person to finish the job…Gates… Shavaun: Wait a minute you left out the fact that you killed half the Rosie O'Donell audience with a koosh ball! (Chaos grabs a koosh ball slingshot and fires it at Shavaun. Instead it hits a "just back from hell" Ron Slavanka whos once again dies instantly). Chaos: Somebody, take this from me before I do some more damage. Shades: Oh god guys…it's starting. Close up on TV. Chanting can be heard in the form of Jerry, Jerry. Bill Gates walks onto the stage. Gates: No, No I'm not Berry Crinkle but I do half a great show for you today. But first everyone look into this odd looking device that looks like a brain-washing machine, I assure you its not one but just look at it look. Shades: Damnit no one look at it! (Everyone looks) Shades: Damn their all hypnotized. Oh what the hell… (looks) (cut back to Gates) Gates: Mwahaha the world is mine! (Suddenly Boots walks in) Boots: Damnit those goddamn, stupid ass, revolving doors never take you where you want to go. Gates: What why isn't the Quadrophobic plotenoelom Brain-washing machine working on you? Boots: The whatshama whowadingie? Gates: Oh damn I forgot she's half hologram! Boots: Holomawhatdamadoey? (Suddenly Boots remembers her earlier hypothesis of Gates trying to take over the world) Boots: Oh my go your trying to take over the world! (Before anything else can happen Gates presses a button labeled "extra power" and Boots is instantly mesmerized). Gates: This is it I've done it I will rule the worl…TWACK! (Before Gates can contunie a mysterious man in a tuxedo hits Gates with a good ol' louisville slugger, Gates falls limp on the ground. He switches of the machine and then runs out the door). Boots: What the hell was that and who was that and…oh who cares everthings all good now so whatever! Voice in crowd: Hey! Wait a god darn minute I paid good money for this show I wanna see someone get pulverized! (An angry mob follows holding their seats above their heads they viciously beat on Gates body) Boots: Well looks like a job well done for today but where the hell have the other talk show hosts gone to? *** (Cut to a dark dungeon type castle in Timbuktu) Jenny Jones: 45 bottles of beer on the wall 45 bottles of beer. Maury: I could use 45 beers right now… Oprah: Now, now Maury you know what they say about alcohol don't you? Maury: No… Oprah: Yeah neither do I…GET ME OUT OF HERE! Jerry: I kind of like it here it's better than my usual atmosphere (A guard walks in) Guard: OK you lazy bums it's time for the gas chamber. Regis: Is that your final answer! Everyone: SHUTUP! Roll Credits Afterward Cloning was invented and all the talk show hosts were reborn Boots finally found out how to use a revolving door Jamie Lee Stewart was released the hookers but she will never be the same Ron Slavanka Died The Jerry Springer show received their best ratings ever. Kungfukan dislikes kangaroos. Shell got out of her body cast, only to be blown up two days later. The SCI was paid twenty bucks for the services they provided. The writers ended this episode…NOW |
 Sign Guestbook |
 View Guestbook |
 shady_chaos@hotmail.com |
|
. |
| Visitors: 00745 |