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Little Black Book
The Hollies Handbook
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| THE HOLLIES HANDBOOK |
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| Hello and welcome to the Hollies Handbook. You may find some parts of this work of genius offensive, particularly if your name is Andy. |
A Room A: Big Ben’s room. ‘Ah man!’: Phrase uttered by Nikki / Melinda whenever something goes wrong. So all the time then. B Room B: Little Ben’s room. Far too tidy. ‘Babe’: According to Nikki, everyone is a babe. Which can be endearing, cute or annoying depending on your mood. ‘Bargainiferous’: ‘A bargain.’ Used by Nikki / Melinda constantly from October to December 2000. ‘Bargainous’: See above. Barlow: Occupant of Room E. Tall, dark, hairy, GUINNESS drinking Musical Engineering student currently residing in Anglesey. Plays the bass guitar. In a relationship with ALLY. ‘Barlow-standard’: Of a poor standard, esp. when referring to computer games. Used by Little Ben ‘Big Brother’: Nickname for Iola. Named after the popular 2000 TV game show, not the classic novel by George Orwell. ‘Big Hair’: What Nikki has, according to herself. ‘Bison’: Used by the two Bens to mean ‘well hard’. Bison burger: Burger sold by FOREIGN NONSENSE. See also KANGAROO BURGER, OSTRICH BURGER Blackberry Hill: Hill on top of which The Hollies is located. The blackberries in question are now confined to one very short stretch along the roadside. Blackberry Hill Hospital: Formerly known as Bristol Lunatic Asylum, it specialises in mental health care. It is to be hoped that the numerous people walking round Fishponds who are, how shall I put it? - a little odd - are the patients of this hospital. Because if not, it doesn’t say much for the ‘normal’ inhabitants of Bristol. Boots the Chemists: Former employers of BEN W. Bristol Comedy Pub: Venue of SHERBET DIP’S first and only gig. Broadway: Hairdressers on FISHPONDS ROAD where the barbers have tattooed knuckles and suspicious scars on their wrists. Scary. Bruce: Student flat warden, who gets about on crutches, though, somewhat suspiciously I think, he can still drive a car. If he was in a film it would be a black and white B movie called ‘They came from Jupiter to take over America’ and he’d be the guy who goes to investigate what’s scaring the horses and gets himself abducted by a robot. But he’s not, he’s the bloke who lives opposite us. Builders: You’d think that having a load of builders working outside the window of a student flat would result in many amusing pranks and hilarious repartee. Sadly though, student contact with these sturdy workers has been limited to a few insults shouted through the window. We don’t even know their names, in fact the only ones that can be identified are ‘the Bristolian one,’ ‘the foreign one’ and ‘the bastard who sings pop songs loudly at nine o’clock in the morning.’ Needless to say, the entire team sit around drinking tea and playing the radio loudly all day, stopping occasionally for a ‘work break.’ C Room C: [Mel] ‘Can you smell what the Rock is cookin’?’: Catchphrase of THE ROCK. See also I’M GONNA WHOOP YOUR CANDY ASS! Car: Nikki owns one. The rest of us don’t. Championship Manager 00/01 Addictive football management simulation game. Very east to cheat on, though Ben W still maintains that he got Patrick Viera, Thierry Henry, Kevin Philips and David Beckham to play for Ipswich legally. The fact that he still has £45,000,000 in the bank makes this claim dubious though. Champo: Nickname for CHAMPIONSHIP MANAGER. Christmas: Clarkson, Iola Occupant of Room F. More cannot be said because I never ever see her. The Cooler: Club on Park Street where Mel works, although closer observation suggests all she ever does is stand around at the bar and serve three people a night. 14, Cromwell Road: Second year residence of Andy and Rich. D Room D: [Nikki] Doner Van, Jason’s: Legendary kebab van in Bristol, apparently. Yet to be sighted by any member of Flat 203. Donovan, Jason: Neighbours has-been who graced U.W.E. with his presence at the 2001 Valentine’s Ball. Not that any of us went. ‘Deploy!’: Cry uttered by Ben M whenever anyone gets a Laptop Gun in PERFECT DARK. E Room E: Andy’s room ‘Enjoyable’: Used by Ben M to describe things that are… well… enjoyable. ‘Evil child’: Stock phrase used by Richard to annoy Nikki. It works too. ‘Evil genius’: A step up from ‘EVIL CHILD,’ obviously. Extractor fans: Do the inhabitants of Flat 102 not know how to use these things or what? F Room F: Iola’s room. ‘Feasable’: Used by Ben M instead of the word ‘Possible.’ Feral Children: Fire Alarms: Tell us about it. Fishponds Road: In my more lucid moments I like to think of Fishponds road is as long as the path from here to eternity. At other times I just think it’s very long. It is home to such top places as SAFEWAY, THE VAN DYKE FORUM and several dodgy charity shops. Fist Sim: Evil arch-nemesis of PERFECT DARK players. Or he would be, if we ever put him on. Flat 103: Home to STUART, MONOPOLY BOY, and some ginger chick who Ben and Andy don’t like. Flat 203: That’s us, remember? Foreign Nonsense: Purveyors of the BISON BURGER, KANGAROO BURGER and OSTRICH BURGER. G Room G: Rich’s room. Gilbert, Nova: Hollies Property Manager. Scary. Glenside: U.W.E. medical campus opposite THE HOLLIES. The bar has incredibly erratic opening times, which is possibly why no-one ever goes there when it is open for business. Goldeneye: ‘I have the beasht in my shights, Mish Monneypenny.’ Guinness: Beverage favoured by ANDREW. He drinks so much he actually got a card from the manufacturers on his last birthday. H Room H: Ally's room. Hockey sticks: Hole in the fence: Hollies, The: Holly Hillbillies, The: |
| I ‘I just don’t understand it’: Ben M's expression of confusion. He gets confused easily. ‘I’m gonna whoop your candy ass!’: Catchphrase of THE ROCK, and more recently, of BEN W. ‘I’m so pretty!’: First line from the West Side Story song of the same name, and used, somewhat inappropriately, by NIKKI. International Superstar Soccer: Crap Nintendo 64 game. ‘It Doesn’t Matter!’: Line from the song of the same name. Another favourite of Ben Willis, who, in his less sober moments was prone to swaggering along the flat's hallway, going: 'Are your flatmates bitches who never have any fun? IT DOESN'T MATTER!' and other insults to that effect. Mel had a go at him eventually (see YOU'RE SO IMMATURE). ‘It’s just a trick of the light’: J Jagger: Iola’s boyfriend looks a bit like weathered popstar Mick Jagger, so the rest of Flat 203 gave him this nickname. We can’t remember what his real name is now. I think it might be Andrew. Or possibly Steve. ‘Johnbarnes!’: Talented ex-England and Liverpool footballer who visited Frenchay in March 2001. Causing Ben M to shout this phrase at random intervals. ‘Just for joy’: If you ever ask Ben M why he’s doing something, this will be his answer. K Kangaroo burger: Part of the ‘treble’ served by FOREIGN NONSENSE. Tastes suspiciously similar to Beef burger. I’d complain, if it wasn’t for the fact that it wasn’t so damn tasty. ‘Kiss my ass’: Since Nikki doesn’t own a donkey, we can only assume that she means ‘Kiss my arse.’ The soft Southern toff. L Laundry room: ‘£2.40 to do me washing? That’s daylight robbery!’, etc. Leeds: ‘Let’s Ride!’: M ‘Maah!’: See RAH! ‘Male City’: ‘Man-beast’: Mariokart: ‘Media boy’: Ben M’s departure from Flat 203 after Easter meant that he took with him his Nintendo 64, P.C. and television from the living room. As Ben W later put it: ‘Why did Merrion have to leave? He was, like, ‘media boy’.’ 'Melinda My LOOOOVE!': Men at Work: Road sign currently hidden in the airing cupboard. Not very appropriate really, as Ben M has never gone to any of his lectures, Ben W recently quit a job at BOOTS to play CHAMPIONSHIP MANAGER full time, Rich is busy writing this handbook and Andy can’t really be classed as a man. But until they bring out a ‘Men Slobbing Around Watching the Telly’ sign, it’ll have to do. M, Benjamin: Benjamin contributed nothing to the group except the occasional snide remark and a whole heap of trouble. His deadpan Leicester accent is no longer heard on the streets of Bristol, as he has left to study geography in Leeds, leaving me alone with only Ben W, Andy, Ally, Iola, Nikki and Mel for company. The bastard. Messenger, Melinda: Ex-model. The definitive blonde bimbo. Also Nikki’s name for MELINDA T, although the similarity isn’t striking. No offence Mel. Middlesbrough Football Club: See under BOLLOCKS. ‘Monopoly Boy’: Occupant of Flat 103: We went round to introduce ourselves one night and found them all playing Monopoly. One young man was not happy to be distracted from the game. And so the Bens have named him ‘Monopoly Boy’, now and for evermore. ‘Munchies’: Term for food, which Ben W inexplicably only started using in March. My Mate Dave: New name for SHERBET DIP. Has probably changed to something else by now. N ‘Nasty’: Nintendo 64: See, PERFECT DARK, GOLDENEYE, INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR SOCCER, MARIOKART, etc. Nova’s Nightclub: Name given to the Flat 203 living area when it is ‘transformed’ (i.e. has all the normal lightbulbs replaced by red ones) into a ‘nightclub’. Has only been open for business once or twice, because the night usually ends with either the neighbours complaining or someone losing copious amounts of blood. Named after NOVA GILBERT. O ‘Old bastard’: That Scootish player on INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR SOCCER, according to Ben M. Ostrich burger: P Parcels from home: ‘Peasant’: You can tell how middle class Ben W is by the way he thinks calling someone a ‘peasant’ is the worst insult imaginable. ‘Peckish’: Perfect Dark: Pizza Hut: ‘Pretty special’: Public houses: Hostelries of note include: The Full Moon, Fishponds: A bit of a dive. The Full Moon, Town Centre: Never been inside but it looks even worse. Twinned with The Eclipse. The Hole in the Wall: Extremely posh pub in the centre of town that does excellent three course meals. The Old Tavern: Local Old Man’s pub. Painted a tasteful lime green. Has good pool tables. Never full. The Railway Tavern: Does good steaks. Sevensheds: Featured on ‘Tomorrow’s World’ because of it’s hovercraft bar and home to Bristol’s yuppies, townies and well-to-do twenty-somethings. The bar serves bottled ales from around the globe. Not that interesting really, unless collecting beer bottles is your life. Ben. The Toad: The Toad is a lot like a girl you might meet at a prom or some other posh do. She looks very smart and exclusive but, once you lured her to the bushes and plied her with vino, she’s in touch with her filthy side. In a roundabout and sexist way what I’m trying to say is that Toad has an imposing façade and high-ceilinged interior but ultimately is no different from your usual drinking pit. The Van Dyke Forum: A Wetherspoons pub in Fishponds. I hate it. It’s just a shit pub. Something always goes wrong when we order food there. I mean, how hard can it be to get a few plates of food and some drinks to a table at the same time? |
| R ‘Rah!’: One of the strangest things about Ben M is the way he bursts out with sudden exclamations when you least expect it, and for no apparent reason. ‘Rah!’ is the most frequent of these, although see also MAAH! and JOHNBARNES! R, Nicola: Rock, The: S Safeway: Scarab: Scarat: ‘School’: The Bens name for university. Usually spoken in tones of disgust. Sherbet Dip: Slack jawed yokels: One of the all-time classic Flat 203 moments was when the four boys and Ally were in the living room watching TV. Iola and her boyfriend came in and the following conversation took place: IOLA: Do any of you want to come in to my room and have a drink with us? (The shock of this unprecedented offer completely stunned us and we could only sit there gawping at her like said slack jawed yokels) BEN M: I, er… RICH: We… (But the lads are still dumbstruck and can only go ‘gah?’ and make other appropriate noises of disbelief) ALLY: We’re a bit busy at the moment, actually. IOLA: Oh, okay then. (Iola starts to go) ALLY: But thanks for the offer. BOYS: Yeah, thanks… thanks Iola… yeah… (Iola goes) ALL: Bloody hell! Television watching then resumed. S, Richard: ‘Smash on’: Smith, John: Cardboard cutout, probably the most sensible of the flat’s occupants and definitely the most popular. Okay, he doesn’t say much, but he always has a pint in his hand. Shamelessly pinched from THE OLD TAVERN on the very first night. Alanna: Stuart: ‘Sweetie’: What BEN W get called by his doting mother. The old girl must be blind or bats. Or both. T Tact: Nikki doesn’t have any. ‘Tax’: Ben W’s word for ‘steal’ as in “I’m just going to tax this CD, all right?” Tesco’s: T, Melinda: Town: Nickname for Ipswich Town, luckiest side in the Premiership. Traffic Cones: What student flat is without them? Er… well, ours actually, ever since Nova gave us a severe telling off after finding one in our hallway. But at least we haven’t pinched a shopping trolley. Yet. Treev: U UNISON: Dunno what it means, but we have a big sign in the kitchen with this word on it. V ‘Very weak’: W ‘Who let the dogs out?’: Song favoured by Ben W. See also IT DOESN’T MATTER. W, Benjamin: Work: Ben W does far too much of this, slavishly typing up notes every evening and reading textbooks in bed every night. Nikki doesn’t do any work, preferring instead to wander around worrying because she hasn’t done any work, and telling all the rest of us about it. No-one has pointed out to her the illogical nature of this situation. Y Z Zelda, The Legend of, and Zelda, Majora’s mask: EXCLUSIVE!!! All of Ben M’s catch-phrases in one easy-to-manage section! Q: Why are you doing that, Ben? BEN: Oh, Just For Joy, mate, Just For Joy. Situation: Everyone is leaving the flat on a night out. BEN: Let’s Ride! Situation: A normal conversation, progressing as normal, when… BEN: Rah! Or, alternatively BEN: Maah! Situation: Anything remotely out of the ordinary. BEN: I just don’t understand it. Situation: A silent room. People are just sitting round quietly. BEN: Johnbarnes!!! Situation: Someone gets a laptop gun in Perfect Dark. BEN: Deploy! Q: Oh, didn’t you like it then Ben? BEN (low menacing voice): Oh it was very weak, very weak. Q: How’s the food Ben? BEN: Oh, Enjoyable mate, Enjoyable. Q: Do you think we’ll go to the pub on Saturday? BEN: Oh, it’s Feasable Situation: Ben doesn’t like something. BEN: That’s just Nasty Peckish Pretty special Scarat Q: What game shall we play then? Ben: Oh, Smash On ‘Perfect Dark’. |
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